


Honey

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Fat Shaming, Flashbacks, Genderfluid Marquis de Lafayette, Healing, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Polyamory, Recovery, They're gr8, Vomiting, herc and james are twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 00:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11520693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: James is in a long term relationship with Alexander and Thomas. Unfortunately they have a few habits which remind him far too much of his previous boyfriend who was ready to punish him at the drop of a hat. He needs to work out how he can juggle the memories of abuse while continuing with his normal life.Easy. Apart from the fact that only one other person knows just what his ex did to him and he doesn't want that to change.





	Honey

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags, this is not a happy story

Of all the ways James thought his words could betray him, it wouldn’t be this. He’d thought one day his hands would fail, he’d lose the ability to write all together as his body continued to crumble. He had expected his voice to flag and vanish into nothingness, there were already days where it hurt so badly.

He hadn’t expected Alexander to find the diary he couldn’t bring himself to throw out. He hadn’t expected Alexander to read it or to show it to Thomas. He hadn’t expected for them to know.

Which was why, when he came home from work, he was confused to see them both standing in the doorway.

“James-” Thomas started, looking pained. James smiled at him before he glanced to Alexander who was just staring at James with a sad look.

“Is something-”

“I was going through your room today.” Alexander admitted quietly. “I- I found this.” He extended the diary and James stared at it numbly for several seconds. He reached a shaky hand out to grab it and opened it.

There lay his words, the words crooked and ugly, with tear stains at some parts of the book.

“We read it. Some of it.” Thomas said softly. James bristled at that, at how they were both so quiet, both so worried.

“Why?”

“There’s tearstains on it.” Alexander’s voice wavered and James sighed.

“So which part do you want to talk about now?” James could feel anger building in him. They had no right. They had no right to do this, to look into his private life. “Which part of my fucking therapy diary do you want to start with?”

“Who is he?” Alexander asked, ignoring James’ anger. “The guy you mention.”

“Does it matter?”

“You said he insulted you.” Thomas piped up. “That he- he hit you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Jemmy you have to. You-”

“I don’t have to do anything!” James shouted. Thomas took a step back in surprise but James didn’t stop. “You went through my private journal! You had no right to do that! I-”

“We were trying to help.” Alexander said, over James’ words. James started at him for a moment before he scoffed and turned away.

“Don’t bother. I’ll be back later.” With that, James closed the door behind him, ignoring his boyfriends’ words.

James hurried down the drive and got back into his car. He saw the front door to his house open but he was gone before either of his boyfriends could stop him.

He could feel his heart speed up in his chest until it almost hurt to breath. That was when he pulled over, stopping at the side of the road and hunching over. He then pulled out his phone and dialled in a number.

“Hello?”

James let out a long sigh at the familiar voice.

“Hey Herc.”

“James, what’s wrong?” Hercules was immediately on the defensive when he heard James’ voice. James sighed, his twin had always been able to read him too well.

“They found my therapy journal.”

“Thomas and Alexander?”

“Yeah. They- they read it. Without me! They didn’t ask or- or- what if they- they didn’t care!” James half shouted. His mind was racing, remembering just how it felt to be not trusted, to have his every word read over and over again just because he wasn’t trustworthy. “They don’t trust me.”

“Where are you, James?”

“On the road.”

“Okay. Come home, Laf’s out.”

“Do they know?”

“Of course not. I’d never do that to you.”

“Thank you.” James whispered. Hercules smiled.

“No problem.”

 

_James sat in his car, staring down at his hands. He knew he was gripping the steering wheel too hard but he couldn’t quite summon the energy to release his hands. He knew there was no point being in the car, he couldn’t run._

_So he didn’t even try._

_He unclenched his hands and stepped out of the car, forcing himself to the front door. He rang the doorbell and forced a smile onto his aching face. A man answered the door and they stood in silence for a long moment._

_“James.”_

_“John.” James muttered out. Adams stared at him without a trace of sympathy. “This isn’t- this isn’t healthy. We need to-”_

_The next thing James knew, he was inside. His face was pressed against the wall and his arm was twisted painfully behind him as he was pinned. Adams leant down just as James let out a pitiful whimper._

_“Shut the hell up.”_

_James let his eyes fall closed, he knew he deserved his boyfriend’s wrath. He always did._

“What the fuck were we thinking?” Alexander half shouted, staring at the door. Thomas glanced at him and went back to pacing. “No I’m fucking asking! It’s his personal diary! I know I’d be fucking pissed if either of you looked through my stuff so why did I think it was okay? I just-”

“Stop it.”

“You-”

“Hey.” Thomas walked towards him and took his hands gently, staring into his eyes. “Getting angry won’t help. We messed up, that’s all.”

“He was so mad at us.” Alexander muttered, eyes beginning to fill with tears. “Wh-why?”

“I don’t know.” Thomas admitted quietly. “I- I don’t know.”

 

_“So who might you be?”_

_James jumped at the sudden voice and twisted. He paused as he saw a stranger stood behind him. He stood several inches taller than James but James was used to that, everyone seemed to be fucking enormous compared to him with his not at all formidable figure._

_“I- James Madison.”_

_“I’m John Adams.” Adams grinned as he shook James’ hand. “This might be a bit forward, but are you doing anything this evening?”_

_“Um no. Why?”_

_“I was hoping to treat you to dinner.”_

_“O-oh. Yeah. I don’t- I mean- I’m free, yeah.”_

_“Here’s my number. See you tonight, honey.”_

_James watched the man walk, no, swagger, off. He smiled gently into his coffee as he stared at the piece of paper he’d just been given. John Adams, he had a good feeling about this._

James stumbled out of the car and banged on the door.               Within seconds Hercules was there. He took one look at his twin before pulling him into a hug. When they broke apart James’ shaking had begun to die down.

“Come on.” Hercules muttered, pulling James into the apartment. James took a seat in the kitchen while Hercules made him a tea.

“I- don’t- I didn’t th-think they’d d-do something like th-that, Herc.”

“I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it.”

“They went through my stuff! He- he-”

“Hey.” Hercules turned to face James and took his hand gently. “Thomas and Alexander fucked up but they’re not like him.”

“Wh-what if they ar-are?”

“Have they done something?”

“Not- not yet. B-but he di-didn’t at first ei-either and th-then-”

Hercules sighed and bit his lip. This was a shit storm he was not qualified to deal with. But he had to, for James’ sake, if nothing else.

“Do you want me to call them up?”

“Do-don’t want them to kno-know.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you, James. I’ll just tell them you’re here. They might be worried.”

“O-okay.”

_“Aren’t you worried you’re moving too fast?” Hercules asked. James shook his head._

_“I don’t know how to explain it but he- I think he’s the one.”_

_“You’ve known each other for less than a month.”_

_“I know.” James bit his lip. He knew this was so out of character, he knew he would never normally do something like this but it was Adams. “Love makes you do crazy things.” Hercules shot him a glare at that and James chuckled._

_“Hercules references? Now?”_

_“Look Herc, I know him, I trust him. He’s not some kind of crazy axe murderer.”_

_“I dunno.” Hercules frowned. “I’ve got a bad feeling about him.”_

_“You’re being overprotective again.”_

_“Just- be careful, okay?”_

_“I’m always careful, remember? You’re the fun one, I’m the careful one. But does that really matter? Look, right now I just wanna move in with my boyfriend.”_

_“Okay. I trust you.”_

 

Alexander and Thomas were curled up on the couch, clinging to each other. James was their third part, the part that kept them together, but they had still been the original, they had been together before Alexander had even met James.

Sometimes Alexander just needed to be reminded that it wouldn’t change, that Thomas would always be there for him, no matter what.

Alexander was suddenly shocked out of his tranquillity as his phone rang. He grabbed it and stared at the screen.

“Is it James?”

“Herc.”

“Answer it!”

“Hercules?” Alexander asked timidly. “Is- is James there?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank fuck.” Alexander breathed out. He nodded to Thomas who visibly relaxed. “Is he okay?” Hercules paused for a moment, as if trying to work out the exact words. “Herc?”

“You shouldn’t’ve gone through his stuff, Alexander.”

“I know. I was just- I don’t even know. I saw it and I was too nosy.”

“James is gonna stay with me tonight. He’ll be back with you tomorrow but just-”

“Tell him I won’t do it again, please.” Alexander spoke over Hercules. “It was- I’m not gonna do something like that again. It was dumb and selfish.”

“I’ll tell him. And you’d better not, you know what I promised to do to you if my little brother was hurt.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.”

 

_James dropped a gentle kiss to Adams’ cheek. Adams smiled and returned it, deepening it and pressing James backwards until his back hit the wall. James broke the kiss off and smiled._

_“You’re gonna make me late for work.”_

_“Come on.” Adams bent down again to kiss James despite James turning away from it. “You don’t need to work.”_

_“Let’s not have this argument.” James muttered. His good mood was immediately tempered. He gently pushed Adams back but Adams didn’t budge. “John can I-” Adams stared at him for a long moment before he began to kiss James again. James pulled his head back. “I need to get to work. I don’t have time for this.” He pushed Adams back again and this time the man moved._

_“You never have time for me anymore.”_

_“I’m sorry, Washington is-”_

_“Washington this! Washington that! If I didn’t know better I’d think you were fucking the man!”_

_“John-”_

_“No. I’ve had enough. Go, what do I care?”_

_“Please just be reasonable. I don’t-”_

_“Reasonable? Fucking reasonable? I **have** been reasonable, James! I put up with all of your bullshit without expecting anything back! You can’t even make time for me anymore!”_

_James stared at Adams in surprise for a moment. He hadn’t seen this side of Adams before, this anger that seemed all consuming. He realised after a moment that Adams was expecting an answer._

_“I- I love you, John. You know that, don’t you?”_

_“Yeah. It’s just- I dunno.” Adams sighed. “It’s difficult to see you with those people, James. I know they don’t deserve you and they’re just going to hurt you.”_

_“My co-workers? They wouldn’t-”_

_“That Jefferson, I don’t like him.”_

_“Thomas wouldn’t-”_

_“Please, James. Promise me you won’t talk to him. He’s bad news, I know it.”_

_James bit his lip before slowly nodding._

_“For you.”_

_“I love you.” Adams said as he pushed James back into the kiss. This time James didn’t bother trying to escape. He knew he couldn’t._

_He wasn’t quite sure why he wanted to, either._

 

The next day James came home, wearing Hercules’ too big clothes. Despite the two being identical twins James had always had the smaller frame, not helped at all by Adams.

Thomas was the first to greet him. He looked over him for a moment before pulling him into a tight hug.

“I get it if you don’t wanna talk about it.” Thomas whispered. “But if you do, then we’re here.”

“Thanks.” James muttered. “Is Alexander okay?”

“He’s worried. We both were.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t-”

“Hey,” Thomas gently cupped James’ face. “We were the ones who messed up. Not you. You don’t need to apologise, you never need to apologise when we fuck up.”

James felt his bottom lip beginning to tremble and he pulled Thomas closer.

 

_“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”_

_James flinched backwards at the noise as Adams strode forwards._

_“John I- I-”_

_“Do you get off on embarrassing me like that? Is that it? Are you just some kind of whore for attention, honey?”_

_“N-no I-”_

_“Maybe you’re just a goddamn whore anyway! I’ve fucking seen how you look at them all! I’ve seen how much you want to just open your legs for them! You don’t even care do you?”_

_“I do. I- I swe-swear that I-” Before James could say anything else, Adams was in front of him. He grabbed James’ collar and pushed him into the wall. James whimpered as his back lit up in agony. Adams’ grip tightened and he stared down into James’ eyes._

_“You’re a fucking whore.”_

_“Please-”_

_Adams scoffed and released James who slid down the wall._

_“I do so much for you, James! You-”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Sorry isn’t good enough.” Adams pronounced before stalking off. James lay in a heap. When James heard a crash from the other room he winced. There went his laptop. He knew it was his fault, of course it was his fault. He always made his boyfriend too angry and James knew it was only because Adams could control himself that nothing worse had happened._

_When James became a better boyfriend then it would be fine. He just wasn’t sure how to do that. That wasn’t going to stop him trying._

 

“You fucker!” Alexander shouted, slamming into the house. James flinched instinctively and kept his eyes fixed on his laptop screen. “I can’t fucking believe you did this to me!”

“Grow up.” Thomas scoffed. He rolled his eyes. “I didn’t do it to you. I-”

“You gutted my bill! You know how hard I’ve been working on this!”

“And we both know it would never pass!”

“It could have!”

“Don’t delude yourself.” Thomas snapped. James forced himself to take a deep breath in. They weren’t shouting at him, just over some new bill. They always did this, argued over bills until they finally reached a conclusion.

“Do you know how many people it could have fucking helped?”

“Do you know how many people it would have hurt? Don’t try to pretend this is the perfect bill, you’re just lying to yourself.”

“It would have been a start!”

“Which would still have died on the floor. But because I ‘gutted it’ as you called it, I managed to sneak in your favourite little provisions.”

“What?”

“You didn’t even read the thing, did you?”

“I’m sorry that I’m too busy trying to fucking fix your messes!”

“Just because you have some kind of fascination with helping immigrants doesn’t mean we can stop helping Americans, Alexander!” James froze at that as Alexander tensed. Thomas didn’t seem to notice it, just continuing. “We have a duty of care to our people, not illegal-”

“So do we just let them die?” Alexander asked, voice ice cold. He approached Thomas who looked as if he was beginning to realise his mistake. “Do we just throw them into the closest foster home we can get and then ignore them?”

“Alexander-”

“Do we let them be hurt just because we have a fucking duty of care to someone else?” Alexander shouted. That was the last straw for James who stood and ran to his study, locking the door behind him. He could hear the argument continuing, only growing in volume and he knew he couldn’t cope being in the middle of it.

He wanted to ring Hercules, to just talk to his twin who knew him better than he knew himself, but there was something holding him back. Adams had never liked it when James rang Hercules in the middle of their arguments.

As James realised that, he tried to argue against himself. He knew that Thomas and Alexander always fought but they were never anything like Adams. They’d never hit him or restrained him without his consent. They trusted him.

James remembered the diary and a new flood of tears began leaking from his eyes.

 

_James felt a hand in his collar and he forced himself to go limp. Adams pulled him up and stared at him. James shuddered at the stench of alcohol coming from the man. Adams had just come home from the bar and James’ prayers had obviously not been enough._

_“You’re hiding from me.” Adams growled. James shook his head but Adams just snarled. “Don’t fucking lie to me!”_

_Before James could say anything else Adams drew back his arm and punched James in the face. James cried out in pain before Adams’ hand descended over his mouth, cutting off all noise._

_“Don’t make a fucking sound.”_

_James stared at his boyfriend in horror. Adams had never done this before, never hit him. He’d come close but never done it._

_“That’s so much better.” Adams purred out. He pushed James into the wall and let his hand wander downwards. James made a noise of protest as Adams reached his belt. Adams didn’t stop. James began to move, trying to shove Adams off but he couldn’t._

_James felt his belt being unbuckled and he let out as much of a scream as he could. Adams withdrew his hand long enough from the belt to slap James across the face again. James could feel tears streaking down his face but Adams ignored it._

_James flinched back at the hand that pushed into his underpants. Adams then paused and began to feel along James’ stomach. James stared at him in confusion as Adams’ face twisted with revulsion._

_“Fucking fat.” Adams drawled out. James flinched and Adams scoffed before grabbing the back of James’ collar, freeing his mouth._

_“John please! Please just let me go! Just-” James fell silent as Adams slammed him into the wall with what felt like all his strength. James groaned gently as he saw stars dancing around the corner of his eyes. Then Adams was pulling him somewhere and James stumbled after him._

_Adams forced James to his knees and James whimpered. Before he knew what was happening there were fingers in his throat. James writhed as he tried to draw in a full breath as his boyfriend’s fingers scraped further and further down his throat._

_Eventually it was too much and Adams threw James head forwards as he began to vomit into the toilet. When he was done Adams grabbed his collar again and repeated the process. James could feel the tears streaming down his face as his throat burned with stomach acid._

_After the third time there was nothing but bile coming up, burning James’ throat as it did._

_After the fifth time James didn’t think he could take anymore but Adams was too strong, pinning him down just right._

_After James had lost count there was blood. It was only then that Adams threw him to the floor, causing his head to collide with the wall._

_“Until you can fucking control yourself that’s what you do, got it? If you can’t then I’m more than happy to make you better, honey.”_

_James stared up at Adams for a second before he broke down in tears, hunching in on himself. Adams scoffed and stalked out of the room, leaving his boyfriend behind._

“I shouldn’t have said that, Alexander.” Thomas said gently. Alexander glared at him.

“You’re fucking right! You-”

“Your bill was going to fail. Eacker was going to make sure it would.”

“Eacker? I don’t have any problem with Eacker! He-”

“He knew this bill was your child, Alexander and he was going to kill it dead. I saved you from that embarrassment.”

“You honestly want me to believe that?”

Thomas shrugged and just walked forwards. When he was inches away from Alexander he bent down and gently kissed the man. Alexander relaxed into the kiss after a few seconds. When they pulled apart Alexander was still glaring but it was tempered slightly.

“You’re damn lucky you kiss well.”

“Forgive me?” Thomas asked quietly. Alexander glared up at him for a moment before he nodded.

“Fine.”

“Love you.” Thomas whispered as he brought Alexander into a hug. Alexander lt his eyes slide closed against his boyfriend’s chest.

 

_“Honey? James?”_

_James started awake and stared around in confusion at where he was. It stank of blood and vomit mixing together until James himself wanted to throw up. He saw the cold tile beneath his hands and stared for a long moment before the door opened._

_Adams stood there for a second before he sighed._

_“I messed everything up again, didn’t I? I- I know you’ve got to hate me. I just- sometimes you make me angry, honey. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”_

_James stared at Adams, unsure of what to say or even if he could say it, voice ripped apart from the acid and the tears that hadn’t stopped._

_“James? Say something to me, please? Do you forgive me?”_

_James couldn’t meet his eyes suddenly. Could he trust this man? This man who had hit him, who had ignored him, who had insulted him, who had forced him to vomit, who had-_

_As James looked at Adams he realised those things didn’t matter. He’d been drunk, he’d been tired and stressed and James knew that he could definitely lose some weight._

_“Of course.” James ignored how scratchy his throat was. Adams grinned and pulled James into a hug. James hissed in pain as his bruised face was pressed into the other man’s shoulder but Adams must have not heard as he didn’t adjust his grip._

_He must have just not heard it._

 

James forced himself to wake early the next day. He was exhausted but he knew it was his job to be the mediator after each argument. Thomas and Alexander were fuses, ready to blow at any second, together they were twice as bad. James was the water that just let them be. That was his job and he wasn’t going to fail this relationship.

When he heard the shared bedroom door open he was hit with a wave of anxiety and had to squeeze his eyes shut. They weren’t mad at him. They weren’t going to hurt him. They trusted-

“Hey Jemmy.” Thomas said happily. James turned and offered a weak smile in return. He then took another look at his partners. They were both half naked, with an arm looped around each other. They looked the picture of perfection, just as they had before he’d joined the relationship.

“You okay, James?” Alexander asked, extricating himself from Thomas’ grip. He crossed the kitchen and gently took James’ hands. James nodded and offered a weak smile.

“I- I didn’t sleep well.”

“Do you wanna go back to bed? You’re up early anyway.”

“No. I-” James sighed and shook his head. He didn’t know how to explain that every time he closed his eyes he saw Adams all over again. Worse, when he slept he felt Adams. “That won’t help.”

“We can join you if you’ve got a bit too much energy.” Thomas smirked as he spoke. James tried his hardest to keep his shudder to himself.

“You can’t tire anyone out.” Alexander scoffed. “You’re not exactly young.”

“You little-”

Alexander stuck his tongue out and Thomas narrowed his eyes. They began to bicker in the background while James continued preparing their breakfast. When he set the three bowls down neither of them stopped their conversation to thank him.

He actually liked it, liked being able to fade into the background just a bit. It was nice to not be there.

Before he’d finished eating Alexander and Thomas had left. More accurately, Thomas had dragged Alexander away to defend his honour. James washed up the bowls and set them to the side.

He ignored how badly his hands were shaking or how he was expecting his eye to ache. Adams was gone, James was happy.

James had to be happy. Otherwise, what was the point?

 

_“You slut!” Adams shouted. James wanted to cry, what could he have possible done now?_

_Before he could ask that question Adams was there, pushing his face into the wall. James winced at that as he realised he was going to need to buy more concealer if his boyfriend kept this up._

_“You didn’t think I’d find out, did you, honey?” Adams hissed into James’ ear. James shook his head._

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” James said as well as he could, face stuffed against the wall. Adams snarled and threw him backwards onto the floor. Before James could get up Adams kicked him roughly in the side and planted his boot on James’ neck._

_James stared up at Adams, tears streaking down his face._

_“You ate.”_

_“John-” Adams pressed down on James’ throat and James whimpered for breath._

_“You fucking ate without my permission. Who gave it to you?”_

_“Please-”_

_“Give me a fucking name, James!”_

_“Thomas!” James shouted out in desperation. He flinched but not in time to avoid the kick to the face. He cried out as a crack came from his nose and blood began to pour down his face. Adams grabbed his collar again and dragged him to the bathroom._

_“Please- please don’t-” James muttered from beneath the blood. Adams ignored him, throwing him onto the floor in front of the toilet. James shifted to get away but Adams grabbed his collar again._

_“You have a fucking choice here.” Adams whispered. “Do it or I will.”_

_“Wh-what?”_

_“Get rid of the food or I will.”_

_James stared at Adams for a moment before he raised his shaking hand. It was always shaking, he was always so weak, always so hungry, but it would be so much worse if he disobeyed._

_He shakily put a finger into his mouth and pressed it back. As soon as it hit his gag reflex his eyes watered and he withdrew the finger._

_“John please I- it wasn’t-”_

_“Get his filth out of you or I will!”_

_“John-” Before James could say another word, Adams grabbed James’ hand and pushed it into his mouth. James gagged at the unexpected intrusion and tried to move back but Adams didn’t let him, pinning him in place. James felt his gag reflex react and he threw up across his hand and into the toilet._

_“Again.” Adams let go of James’ hand and James curled in on himself._

_“Please!”_

_“Do it!”_

_James sobbed as he raised his other hand and pushed it to the back of his throat. It took him several long minutes until he was gagging and coughing. When the vomit hit the back of the toilet, James began to sob uncontrollably._

_Adams stared down at him coldly for a few seconds before he grabbed James’ collar and pulled him upright again. James didn’t bother fighting back as he was dragged outside. Adams’ feet crunched through the snow as he approached the small shed at the bottom of the garden._

_James felt himself hit the floor of the shed and looked up in confusion. Adams was staring down at him with no pity in his face._

_“John-”_

_“You disobeyed me. You accepted gifts from Thomas fucking Jefferson!”_

_“It didn’t-” James was cut off by another swift kick to the head._

_“Don’t fucking interrupt me! You’re filth and you don’t deserve to be in the house.”_

_“What- I-” Before James could say anything else the door slammed shut, leaving him in almost total darkness. He froze for a moment before launching himself at the door, crying and screaming. He could vaguely hear Adams’ feet walking away._

_When he heard the back door slam he collapsed and began to shiver. It was so cold that he could barely think straight. He curled in on himself and felt the warm tears trickling away to the floor. This was fine._

_This was what he deserved._

 

“Madison!”

James mumbled out a curse as he jumped at the sound of his voice. He looked around to see Washington waving him into his office. He nodded and stood, hurrying into the room.

“Mr President?”

“Are you alright, Madison?”

“S-sir?”

“Sit.” Washington gestured to a seat and James sunk down into it nervously. Washington regarded him for a moment before sighing.

“I- I’m quite alright, sir.”

“Please don’t lie to me James. I knew you while you were dating Adams.”

James couldn’t disguise his flinch at the name, no matter how much he hated it. He knew it was stupid, he was safe now, but his brain didn’t seem to have got that memo, despite the years that had passed.

“Is that important, sir?”

“Your behaviour is worryingly similar.”

“Are you- are you asking me if your ad-adoptive son and his partner are abusing me?”

“I don’t know.” Washington sighed. “I don’t think Alexander would do that but I know he could. I never thought Adams would do that. None of that is important. My question to you is simply, is he?”

“I- no. Alexander and Thomas are the best boyfriends I could hope for.”

“I’m here if there is a problem.”

“With all due respect sir, you’re the President of the United States of America, I think you’ve got more important things to do than worry about me.”

“That may be so. That doesn’t mean I can’t also worry about you. Are you in danger?”

“No, sir. My relationship is- it’s fine.”

“Okay. If something changes, come to me.”

“Thank you.” James stood but before he got to the door Washington called out.

“Do they know? About Adams, I mean.”

“No. I- I don’t think they even knew I ever dated him.”

“You may want to change that, son. They could help you.”

“Good day, sir.” With that James left the room.

 

_James wasn’t sure when his tears stopped or even if they did. He didn’t understand how time passed. All he knew was that suddenly the door was open, spreading the mid-morning sun over him. Adams stared down at him in disgust and James just whined._

_“Get up.”_

_“I can’t.” James whispered before sneezing violently. Adams scoffed and hauled James to his feet, dragging him across the now melting snow. James tried to stumble upright but he couldn’t, falling to his knees halfway across the garden._

_Adams all but threw him onto the bed the moment they were inside the room. James whined pitifully as he brought the duvet tight around him. He was fast asleep in seconds._

_When James woke up Adams was there. James stared up at him in confusion. It felt like there was fuzz in his head, something heavy that was weighing him down and stopping him from thinking._

_“Hey there, honey. Ready to apologise yet?”_

_“Wha-?” James half asked, curling back into the bed. He didn’t see Adams’ face darken but the next minute he was being dragged upright. He tried to fight but he had no energy, nothing to defend himself with._

_“I asked if you were ready to fucking apologise!”_

_“For what?”_

_“For being a slut and fucking that Jefferson behind my back!”_

_“I di-didn’t. I wouldn’t-” Before James could finish his sentence Adams slapped him across the face. James fell back to the bed and felt tears spring to his eyes._

_“Are you ready to fucking apologise or do you need to spend another night outside?”_

_“N-no!” James tried to push himself upright but he could barely lift his head. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t- didn’t mean- I mean- I wouldn’t- I didn’t- I’m sorry.”_

_“There you go.” Adams’ voice was instantly soft and he gently pushed James back into the bed. James didn’t resist, couldn’t resist. “It’s that simple, honey. Now you get some sleep. Don’t want you getting even more ill now do we?”_

_James mumbled out a half answer before letting his eyes slide closed once more. An hour later shivers began to run through his body as the fever fully set in._

 

James looked up as the doorbell rang. He walked towards it and was surprised to see his twin on the other side of the door.

“Herc? Why-”

“Look,” Hercules sighed. “We need to talk.”

“Why?” James asked, not letting Hercules in. Hercules fixed him with a stare which James couldn’t keep.

“Something’s going on, I know it is. Please, just let me in?”

“Okay.” James opened the door and ushered Hercules down the hall to the kitchen. He then sat down, gesturing for Hercules to do the same. “What’s this about?”

“Washington spoke to me. As did your two.”

“What?”

“They’re worried, James. You can’t just expect them to do nothing.”

“They could ask me.”

“But they asked the better looking of us, don’t let your vanity show.”

“Herc, I’m not really in a joking mood right now. Can we-”

“What’s happening? Last time everything went wrong when you stopped talking to me.”

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just- it’s just Alexander and Thomas being Alexander and Thomas.”

“What do you mean?”

“They yell. A- a lot. Then they just- they act as if it’s nothing. It just…” James shrugged and trailed off. Hercules sighed.

“Have they hurt you?”

“No. They wouldn’t. They haven’t done anything that- that he did. But they- they read it. They read my therapy journal and I just- I know it’s stupid but I can’t get it out of my head. I could never- he didn’t let me have anything, Herc. Anything I wrote was his and I- if he’d found something like that then-”

“They’re not him. They didn’t hurt you when they found out about it.”

“Fuck. I- I know.” James felt tears gathering in his eyes and shook his head. “I just want to- to feel safe.”

“Have you said any of this to them?”

“No.”

“I’m sure if you just say they remind you of him then…” Hercules trailed off as James sunk further into himself, if that was possible. “You- you’ve told them, right?”

“I-”

“Told who what?” Thomas asked. James flinched at the sudden intrusion and Alexander and Thomas glanced at him in confusion. Alexander opened his mouth to ask something but Hercules spoke first.

“Hey, you two. Didn’t hear you coming in.”

“We have the stealth of a cat.” Alexander slipped into the chair next to Hercules while Thomas sat next to James. James tried his hardest to keep his breathing level, to fight off the panic attack that was building with every second.

“Maybe you, petit lion.” Thomas teased. Alexander glared at him for a moment.

“Fuck you too.”

“Anyway,” Hercules spoke over the two. “I’d better be getting back to Laf.”

“Ooh!” Alexander sat up straighter. “Tell them we need to catch up sometime. It’s been so long!”

“You’re being a baby.” Thomas replied. “Just call them yourself.”

“You’re an idiot if you think that’s easy.”

“I- I’d like t-to see Laf.” James smiled up at Hercules who grinned back.

“That’s settled then.” Alexander pronounced. “Game night!”

 

_“Please, John, please!” James sobbed. Adams didn’t seem to notice James’ discomfort. He was straddling the smaller man whose feet were handcuffed to the base of the bed while his arms were handcuffed to the head._

_“I told you not to stay late.” Adams picked the hammer up and James felt his breathing pick up. “I told you I wouldn’t accept any excuse. This was our anniversary, James.”_

_“I didn’t- I’m sorry! Please don’t-” Before James could let out another sound the hammer came down on his arm. James screamed but immediately Adams shoved a piece of clothing into his mouth. James moaned in pain as Adams prepared for another hit._

_It took three hits until there was a bone poking through James’ skin, until there was blood soaking into the sheets and until he was half convinced he was about to faint. Adams then set the bloodied hammer aside._

_Adams unhooked the handcuffs from the headboard and pulled James upright. James screamed into the gag as it pulled on his broken arm. Adams didn’t even pause as he dragged his boyfriend out of the house. James sobbed but he didn’t have the strength to fight back, not with his hands bound, his arm broken and his body all too frail._

_Adams threw him into the shed and James landed hard without the help of his arms to brace him. He cried out in pain and whined as the door slammed shut. He closed his eyes and prepared for yet another night of cold but before he could, he noticed light in his dark, frozen hell._

_James frowned at that before he slowly realised it was his phone. It must have fallen out of his pocket. He used his left, unbroken, arm to slowly pull the fabric out of his mouth. When that was done he shuffled to his phone and picked it up, dialling in Hercules’ number. He needed his twin now more than ever._

_“Bonjour?”_

_James frowned at the voice._

_“Laf?” He rasped out. Lafayette muttered something to someone else before they replied._

_“Yes. I am very sorry but Hercules is uh- otherwise occupied at this moment. Somewhat tied up, if you understand.”_

_“But-”_

_“You will have to call back later. If that is possible?”_

_“Yeah. C-course it is.”_

_“I shall make sure he calls you, James.”_

_“Don’t worry it- it wasn’t important. Didn’t matter.” Nothing matters._

_James hung up before Lafayette could say another word and curled in on himself. The movement sent waves of pain through his arm and he let out a half whimper that turned into a sob. When he started he couldn’t stop._

_It was pathetic, he knew it was. He was lying half naked in his own shed with a pair of handcuffs he’d bought, tying together his newly broken arm with his working one. Just because he had agreed to take Washington’s task. Just because he’d been selfish._

_He looked around the small shed until he saw half of a rake. He grabbed the stick part before staring down at his arm. He took in a deep breath before laying his elbow against the floor, ignoring how his hand didn’t touch the floor. He then pushed his arm down until it did._

_James cried out in agony as the bone shifted and slid back into place. He hunched over himself and sobbed before pulling the rake against his right arm and tying it close with the makeshift gag._

_Then he lay on his side and curled in on himself, letting the tears come all over again._

 

“You’re not looking great.” Alexander mumbled to James. James turned to him blankly.

“I- I’m fine.”

“Sure?”

Something inside James screamed at him to tell Alexander but something far louder chanted Adams’ name over and over again. James shuddered to think what Adams would do if James admitted to that kind of weakness. Probably throw him into the shed or even-

“Yeah. Just- just tired, I guess.”

“Huh. Okay.” Alexander didn’t look convinced but he let the subject drop, returning to snuggling into James’ chest.

James was frozen where he sat, imagining just what Adams would do. He knew he’d be lucky if it was just the shed. He’d be lucky if it wasn’t a beating, a violent uncontrollable beating that used to leave James with scars and broken bones.

Or maybe it would be vomiting, vomiting over and over again until James could barely talk and he didn’t want to even try. At least by that time Adams had stopped wanting sex, had just wanted power more until- until he wanted both.

James stood abruptly. Alexander and Thomas glanced at him and he stared back.

“You okay, Jemmy?”

“I- I- sleep.”

“I sleep?” Thomas chuckled. “Go on. We’ll finish watching this.”

James nodded and stumbled out of the room. He could feel the beginnings of a panic attack grabbing at him and pulling him under.

He barely made it to the shared bedroom before it hit him. He collapsed down the door as his breathing shortened and shortened until there was no air in his lungs. All he could see was Adams, Adams standing over him, Adams dragging him up, Adams naked, ignoring his screams as he-

James slammed his head against the door, trying to shift that particular memory. The pain brought on another wave of anxiety and he saw his vision begin to blur as he passed out.

 

_“Heyo James!” Hercules pronounced down the line. James stared ahead for several moments before he found an answer._

_“H-hey.” His voice was raspy and rough._

_“Look, sorry about the other night. I uh- it was Laf’s idea and then-”_

_“I need your help.” James said quietly. He couldn’t raise his voice, not after the punishment he’d just had. Apparently breaking his arm with a fucking hammer hadn’t been enough to buy him even a few days of peace._

_“James?”_

_“Pl-please.” James began to sob, great wracking sobs that tore at his throat but he didn’t care. “Please.”_

_“Shit. I’m coming. Where are you?”_

_“Ad-Adams’ house.”_

_“Has he done something?”_

_“Please.” James sobbed out, his words failing him. He heard a door slam and he leapt backwards, letting the phone fall to the bed. Adams stepped into the room and stared down at the phone. He stalked over to it and picked it up, staring at the contact information. He hit end call, silencing Hercules’ frantic shouts._

_“What’s this, James?”_

_“John I-”_

_“What the fuck did you just do?”_

_“I can’t take this!” James felt his voice crack. “I- I can’t!”_

_“You fucking will!” Adams shouted, punching James. James fell backwards and Adams grabbed his arms. James screamed in agony as his broken arm was handcuffed again._

_“N- no please don’t- I-” James was silenced by a swift backhand and before he could regain his concentration his hands were bound over his head._

_“If this is how I have to teach you then so fucking be it.” Adams spat out, beginning to undress. He ripped James’ clothes off without preamble, not caring as something tore._

_“Wh-” James asked, already half aware of what was about to happen, what he was helpless to stop._

_“Don’t play coy. I’ve fucked you enough times and I fucking know I’m not the only one.”_

_“No wait. I-” Before James could say anything else a gag was stuffed into his mouth. He fought back as Adams straddled him but he was far too weak and far, far, too broken to win._

“James? Wanna fuck?”

James flinched at the brashness of Alexander. He’d never quite got subtlety. James slipped into the corridor and looked at his two boyfriends. Alexander was pinned against the wall by Thomas and they were both staring at James hungrily.

“I- I have work.”

“You’re always working!” Alexander whined. “Come oooon! We’ll be quick.”

“I-”

“You are working a lot.” Thomas added quietly. “Maybe too much?” James stared at his boyfriends and blinked in confusion. There was no way- was there? Maybe he was, maybe he was breaking a whole new set of boyfriends just because he was being selfish.

“You’ll enjoy it.” Alexander added, as if he didn’t get how ridiculous that sounded. He was asking for sex, after all, something that had taken James months to consider and years to trust someone completely during. “You can tie me up and everything.”

James nodded numbly. He should do this for his boyfriends, should do something for his boyfriends because God knows James would never be enough, not like he was. James was weak and broken and so, so pathetic.

“Jemmy? Got lost there.”

“S-sorry.” James smiled as the three moved to the bedroom. Alexander began to pull his clothes off and James just stared for a moment. Suddenly something hit his back and pressed him against the wall. James felt his breath go out of him and he forced himself to relax.

“We thought we wanted to experiment a bit today, darlin’.” Thomas whispered from where he was pinning James. “You know the safe word?” James didn’t remember, couldn’t think of anything other than where his right arm was twisted against the wall, the arm that Adams had broken without a second’s thought.

But he nodded.

Because his boyfriend wanted something and James knew better than most not to argue.

“Okay then. I’m gonna let go now. Go lie on the bed. Don’t speak, only word you get to say is the safe word.”

James laid down on the bed and closed his eyes obediently. He could feel his mind slipping back into the hell scape he had so narrowly escaped from. There were several long seconds where he was blissfully numb, as if he was slipping into some safe recess of his mind. Then he heard a clinking and then there was cold metal around his wrists. He suddenly sat bolt upright, mind snapping back into place.

“Red! Red!” James scrambled and half fell off the bed. He didn’t care that that had been Adams’ safe word, not Rochambeau. He didn’t care that it had never been listened to, that he had barely ever used it. All he cared about was that he needed to get out of there.

 

_“LET ME IN! LET ME IN, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!”_

_James blinked slowly as he realised Hercules must have arrived. Too late. Adams was done, fast asleep next to James. It always had tired him out. James closed his eyes as Hercules continued to bang on the door. He couldn’t do anything, he never could._

_He was the useless twin, the one who would never amount to anything. Hercules was the hero, James was just the sidekick. Worse, James was now the victim._

_James whined as he heard the door unlock and he realised Hercules must have found the spare key James had told him about so long ago._

_Hercules strode into the room after a few moments and froze. James couldn’t meet his eyes. He knew it was so painfully obvious what had happened to him, what Adams had done to him. Beside him, Adams’ eyes opened and Hercules was on him in an instant._

_“You fucking SCUM!” Hercules shouted, punching Adams across the face. James tried to call out but the gag in his mouth silenced him. It didn’t matter, Hercules was winning easily. He was stronger than Adams and he had much more to fight for._

_When Adams sunk to the floor Hercules rushed to James and paused in horror as he took in his twin again. There were bruises covering most of his body, cuts littering the rest and his skin was stretched so thinly across his ribs as if he wasn’t much more than a skeleton._

_“How did I not see this?” Hercules muttered as he rifled through Adams’ discarded clothes and pulled out the keys to the handcuffs. He gently pulled them apart and James still wouldn’t meet his eyes. Hercules pulled the gag out of James’ mouth and the two just sat in silence for a moment before James began to sob, heart wrenching sobs that just wouldn’t stop._

_Hercules cursed and brought him into a hug._

_“It’s okay now. I’m gonna protect you.”_

_“No-one’ll want you now, you know.” Adams spat from where he was lying. Hercules didn’t spare him a glance but James couldn’t help but look. “You’re broken, James. More broken than you were in the beginning.”_

_“Shut the fuck up.” Hercules snarled as he stood to find James’ clothes. Adams just scoffed._

_“No-one wants used goods. No-one’ll want **you**.”_

_At that, Hercules reached for James’ hand and tugged his twin out of the room. He grabbed James’ phone and clothes and they moved into the living room. James didn’t bother fighting, too exhausted._

_“Get changed, James. Then we’ll get you home.”_

_“Laf?”_

_“They’re not there. It’ll- it’ll be you and me for a bit. Brothers against the world, you know?”_

_“He’s right.” James whispered._

_“Who is?”_

_“A-Adams. N-no-one wants us-used goods.”_

_Hercules didn’t know what to say as his twin began to silently sob._

 

James didn’t know where he was going and he didn’t care. He just knew that he couldn’t be there, couldn’t have handcuffs on. He’d rather die than let Adams do that to him again. His phone was buzzing but he couldn’t concentrate on that.

He was cold, so very cold. He sank to the floor as his breathing began to pick up. Adams was punishing him again.

“N-no.” James breathed out. He was just- just over reacting.

As his breath sped up he couldn’t even convince himself of that.

 

_It took James a month to agree to counselling. It hadn’t been his choice, not really. Hercules had pushed for it and in the end Hercules was the one who set up the appointment. James didn’t want someone fawning over his every word, he just wanted his life to go back to normal._

_But he owed his twin too much to just ignore the effort he’d put into it, so he went. He sat in the waiting room nervously. When his name was called he stood and walked into the room mechanically. He sat down and stared at the woman who was staring back at him with just as much confusion._

_“Madison?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“There must be an error on file. Why have you come here?”_

_“Uh.” James stared down at his hands and bit his lip. “Because my- my ex he- he wasn’t- he- he was abusive and he uh- he r- raped me and-”_

_“Excuse me?” The woman’s voice was icy cold and James stared at her._

_“He- he raped me.”_

_“This session is over. Don’t try to waste my valuable time again.” The woman stood and James stared at her in confusion._

_“What I don’t-”_

_“Mr Madison, men can’t be raped. Now leave, before I have you escorted off premises.”_

James noticed numbly that his shivering was slowing. He wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t warmer, it seemed to be getting colder. He was pretty sure it was anyway. He didn’t know.

He was also pretty sure that was meant to be bad.

He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too numb to care.

Anyway, Adams never hurt him when he was cold.

 

_James stumbled back to Hercules’ house with the therapist’s words tumbling over and over themselves in his brain. He was trying to make sense of them but they just didn’t. He hadn’t wanted to have sex but Adams had pinned him down then-_

_He gasped in a shaky breath as he realised he was crying. Of course he was, he was weak and pathetic and- and maybe he deserved what Adams had done to him._

_James knocked on the door and stared at the man who answered it. He was shorter than James with long brown hair tied in a high pony tail. He looked up and down James before chuckling._

_“Wow. You must be James.”_

_“W-what?”_

_“Hercules’ twin. Or your apparent perfect physique is more common than I thought which would just be quite rude, all things considered, you know? Of course you don’t know or do you know? Am I rambling?”_

_“Can- can I just come in?” James asked. He didn’t have the energy for this man._

_“Oh fuck, yeah. Knew there was something I was missing. Also I’m Alexander Hamilton.” Alexander held out his right hand to be shaken but James just stared at it. “You shake it, normally.”_

_“I broke my arm.”_

_“Oh.” Alexander glanced down to see James’ left arm still wrapped in plaster. “How?”_

_“Falling out of a tree.” James was too tired to come up with a better lie._

_“Huh. Okay. Me and Thomas were just visiting so-”_

_“Wh-where’s Herc?”_

_“Are you okay?”_

_James didn’t respond, he needed Hercules. Luckily Hercules seemed to sense that as he emerged from the kitchen and hurried towards James._

_“Why’re you back so early?”_

_“Not here.” James muttered. Hercules glanced at Alexander and nodded._

_“I’ll be with you again in a moment, okay?”_

_“Sure.” Alexander stared as the twins walked into a different room. He noticed how James’ hands didn’t stop shaking._

_“Who was that?”_

_Alexander turned to see Thomas emerging from the kitchen._

_“James, I get what you see in him now. Nice ass.”_

_“Alexander, don’t be uncouth.”_

_“I’m just saying. I get why you were obsessed about him. What’s he doing living in Herc’s house, anyway?”_

_“Bad breakup apparently. Ripped his heart out.”_

_“Ouch.”_

_“Don’t.” Thomas said warningly. Alexander grinned._

_“Look, if he’s just been dumped it means he’s not dating anyone now.”_

_“We’re not being a rebound.”_

_“Yeah but doesn’t mean we can’t get to know him.”_

_“You’re incorrigible.”_

_“You love me though.”_

_Thomas sighed before dropping a kiss to the top of Alexander’s head._

_“Of course I do.”_

_“And I think he might be what we’ve been missing.”_

_“Fine. We’ll get to know him. No promises.”_

 

James pulled his phone out of his pocket with shaking hands and stared as Thomas’ name crossed the screen. He hit accept and there was silence down the line for several long seconds.

“James? James?”

“H-hey.”

“Where are you? It’s freezing! Please just- just tell me and I’ll pick you up. I’ll drop you off at Herc’s if you want or- or wherever, just I- I can’t cope with the thought of you being out in the cold! Please just-”

“Clermont St-street.” James muttered, staring at the road sign.

“I’ll be there.”

“I- I’m cold.”

“Are you inside?”

“No. Everything’s shut.”

“Okay. Don’t- don’t panic. I’m a few minutes out.”

“O-okay. Thomas I- I love you.”

“I love you too, James.” Thomas’ voice sounded rough. “With all my heart.”

 

_“Hey James.”_

_James turned to face Thomas. He smiled at the familiar sight of the man, overworked and overstressed._

_“Hey.”_

_“Look can I- can I have a word with you in my office?”_

_“Have I done something wrong?”_

_“I’m not your boss, you know.”_

_“I’m a Senior Writer, you’re the Secretary of State. You really outrank me, Thomas.”_

_“Well- well no, it’s not that.”_

_“Then lead the way.”_

_Thomas sat down in his chair while gesturing for James to take the seat across from him._

_“So, what I’d like to say is that you- you’re uh-” Thomas frowned. “You’re an attractive man, James.”_

_“What?”_

_“I mean- you’re-” Thomas bit his lip as his mind worked furiously. “I would like the opportunity to know you better. To- to date you.”_

_“You-” James frowned, trying to find the loophole. He found it almost immediately. “You want to cheat on Alexander with me.” His voice was neutral. He knew he was used up and broken but he had never known Thomas looked at him like that. “I’m sorry but-”_

_“No! Oh God no! I- uh- no. Alexander knows. He- he’s the one that suggested it, months back, just after you’d broken up with- who was it?”_

_“Doesn’t matter.” James said with more force than he needed. Thomas raised his eyebrows but didn’t comment._

_“Okay well I- I knew we should give you more time to think it over and I- I’m still willing to give you that time. I just- Alexander and I care for you, James. We care for you a lot. So here’s my number. Just- just think it over.”_

_James stared at Thomas for a long time before he stood and left the office. Without a second thought he left the building and walked back to Hercules’ house. He curled up in one of the beds and tried to ignore how much it hurt to entertain the thought of someone else loving him._

 

“James! James!” Thomas cried out. His eyes finally landed on James and he cursed, rushing forwards. He enveloped his boyfriend in a hug and pulled him close. “I was so worried!”

“S-sorry.” James muttered. Thomas shook his head and pulled James to his feet, guiding him to the car. When they were inside Thomas turned the heating up and layered a blanket on top of James. The two sat in silence for several minutes while James just slowly warmed up.

“We never used the colours with you.”

“Thomas-”

“I get you’ve dated before but why didn’t you use our word?”

James sighed, he knew this would come up eventually. Thomas and Alexander were too smart to let it go.

“Is something wrong with your arm?” Thomas asked. James frowned before he realised he was cradling his right arm close to his chest. James began to cry and Thomas stared at him in horror. “Please James! Tell me!”

“My last boyfriend broke it.” James said softly. Thomas tensed next to him and James took in a shuddering breath.

“Wh-what?”

“Ad-Adams. He- he broke my arm. He h-hit me a l-lot. He insul-sulted me. Star-starved me. It- it’s why I’m ill so often.”

“Your ex was abusive?”

“Ye-yeah.”

“How long?”

“Years.” James admitted softly. “Ye-years unt-til I figured out that I- I was in dan-danger.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I deserved it.”

Thomas stared at James for a long moment before launching himself at the smaller man and pulling him into a tight hug.

“You didn’t deserve any of that.” Thomas could feel tears gathering at the edges of his eyes but he blinked them back. He needed to be there for his boyfriend when he had been so obviously not in the past. “What was so bad about tonight?”

“Sometimes you remind me of him.” James admitted softly. Thomas bowed his head and began to cry.

 

_James couldn’t quite meet the eyes of his dates for most of the evening. He was too worried about what they’d think. Adams’ words ran over and over in his head, why did they want used goods? Why? To break him further?_

_It didn’t feel good to think that of them but he couldn’t help the worry._

_“James?” Thomas asked, startling James out of his deteriorating panic. “You gonna order?”_

_“What?”_

_“Can we have another few minutes?” Thomas asked the waitress with a charming smile. He then turned back to James, worry in his eyes. “You okay?”_

_“Ye-yeah.” James was ashamed to admit he’d forgotten this was a normal part of eating out, that both people ate something. Or, in this case, all three people. “Just not- not sure what to get.”_

_“I can help with that.” Alexander grinned and began rattling off a number of dishes. James stared at him before looking at the menu again. Even when Adams had allowed him to eat he’d chosen the meal, making sure James wouldn’t get fat again, wouldn’t undo all the hard work Adams had put into him._

_When he ordered a pudding he felt a stab of vindication even if he couldn’t bring himself to finish it, a mix of a still too small stomach and a mind that still rebelled. Alexander snuck the rest of it, despite Thomas telling him not to. The first time Alexander reached his hand out to take some Thomas hit it away._

_James couldn’t quite hide his flinch at the movement. Thomas paused and just stared at James in confusion before dropping his hand, allowing Alexander free reign. Thomas opened his mouth as if to ask a question but then closed it. It wasn’t worth it._

_At the end of the date Alexander and Thomas walked James to his front door. James stood there for a moment before Alexander stepped forwards and kissed him gently. When they broke apart Thomas was there for his kiss._

_James could feel his heartrate picking up. He knew that if they asked for more he wouldn’t be able to refuse them but he didn’t want to and-_

_“See you tomorrow?” Thomas asked quietly. James stared at him in confusion before nodding. “Have a good night.”_

_“Yo-you too.”_

_With that, Thomas linked his fingers with Alexander and the two walked away. James watched them go for a long moment until he eventually let himself into the house._

_“James?” Hercules called out._

_“H-hey.”_

_“How’d it go?” Hercules asked, walking into the corridor._

_“Um.” James frowned. “Good. Re-really good.”_

_“Laf says they’re good people.”_

_“Y-yeah. I think they- they are.”_

_“Do you think you’ll go on another date?”_

_“I don’t know.” James sighed. “Why-why would they want me? I’m just-” broken, used up, worthless, “me.”_

_Hercules strode forwards and pulled James into a tight hug._

_“If they want anything else then they’re blind. What he did to you that was-” Hercules sighed. “You didn’t deserve any of that, James. You- you deserve happiness and if these two can give that to you then you deserve them.”_

_“Thanks.” James whispered. “I- I’m gonna see them tomorrow.”_

_“That’s all you need to do.”_

James pulled Thomas into a hug as the taller man just continued to sob.

“I did-didn’t mean- it was-”

“I’d rather **die**.” Thomas pulled back to stare at James. “I’d rather die than hurt you, James. I love you.”

“I know. It’s just- I- I don’t know.”

“Do you- do you want to come home tonight? If you don’t wanna be around us then you- I can drop you off at Herc’s.”

James stared at Thomas for a long moment before he sighed.

“I wa-wanna go home.”

“Herc’s?”

“You’re my home, Thomas. You and Alexander.”

“Okay, then.”

The house was silent when they walked in. Thomas led James to the living room and gently sat him down. Alexander looked up from where he was pacing, a beer in his hand. James hunched in on himself at that and Thomas frowned.

“Hey, put that back in the kitchen, will you?” Thomas said to Alexander. Alexander just frowned before he rose. When he returned he was empty handed.

“What’s going on?” Alexander asked. James took in a shaky breath and frowned.

“I need- I need to admit som-something that I ne-never felt right tel-telling you.”

“Did someone rape you?”

James stared at Alexander for a moment in shock. Thomas obviously felt the same way as he glared at Alexander.

“What the fuck?”

“It made sense!” Alexander shot back.

“No, that’s not-” Thomas trailed off as James nodded.

“I- I was.”

“What?” Thomas breathed out. “You didn’t-”

“My ex was abusive. V-very. H-he shouted at me and then sometimes he hit me. He-he didn’t feed me and when I f-found food he forced me to thro-throw up. He- he broke my arm. He- he ruled my life and I couldn’t- I couldn’t do anything. He stopped me from talking to my friends and- and even Herc.”

“Shit.”

“In-in the end I- I got him m-mad. He broke my ar-arm with a h-ham-hammer.” James watched as Thomas’ hands clenched into fists. Thomas followed his gaze and immediately relaxed his hands. “I- I got my ph-phone and called Herc. He came to he-help me but Ad-Ad- my ex fo-found me. He put handcuffs on me and then ra-raped me.” James’ voice was barely audible by the end of his sentence but they both heard.

“I’m so sorry.” Thomas breathed out. James just shook his head.

“You di-didn’t kno-know. I didn’t te-tell you.”

“Why not?” Thomas asked. James sighed before responding.

“I don’t- I- I didn’t want to be used goods. Or- or broken I just- I just wanted to be- normal!”

“We triggered you.” Alexander said softly. James snapped his gaze to him as he realised Alexander hadn’t spoken in a while. Out of his two boyfriends Alexander was always the unknown, the one James never quite knew what he’d say. “With the handcuffs.”

“With everything.” James said softly. “You- you shout. A- a lot actually. Normally I can cope but sometimes it’s just t-too much. The handcuffs I-” James shuddered. “I ca-can’t. Not- not yet. May-maybe never.”

“That’s okay.” Thomas said softly. “I should have said more before we started. I didn’t realise you had a problem with it.”

“You need to tell us everything.” Alexander commanded. “I get that might be really difficult and I know I didn’t open up to you two for ages and so it’s quite hypocritical for me to tell you to do it when I didn’t even do it but I think it’s something that would help and even if you could only tell us some of the stuff then we’d be able to help a little but and-”

“Breathe.” Thomas chastised gently. Alexander paused and nodded.

“We wanna help.”

“You can’t shout at me.” James said softly. “Or- or manhandle me. Sex is- it’s difficult enough without- without that. You- I’m not okay with being called names and you- you- please don’t comment on my food.”

“Your food?” Alexander asked.

“He used to- to give me a plate of fo-food and then work out my punishment from how much I- I’d eat. I was- I can’t- I just can’t.”

“Okay. That’s fine, Jemmy.”

“Don’t call me honey. He- that was h-his pet n-name for me. Ev-even when he was hurting me it- he still used it.”

Alexander stood and walked off. James watched him go and hung his head. He knew it was too much, it was better to just keep it inside. He deserved-

“Alexander?” Thomas asked, scandalised. “Where the fuck are you going?”

“I’m getting a piece of paper.” Alexander’s voice was harsh. He picked up his journal from where it sat on the side. “There’s no fucking way I’m forgetting any of these.”

“Wh-what? You- you’re okay with it?”

“Okay? I mean- I wish you didn’t have this many fucking triggers but that’s nothing against you.”

“They- I just thought…” James trailed off. Thomas sighed and dropped a kiss to the top of his head.

“You’re our third part, James. We’re not going to hurt you on purpose or by accident. Never.”

“Never.” Alexander repeated, smiling.

 

_The day after the first date with Alexander and Thomas, James finally got up the courage to look at Adams’ messages. At each one he felt the urge to cry rise and rise. It was just message after message confirming how revolting he was, how useless he was, how he was nothing without Adams._

_James knew it was true, knew that he was so much less but-_

_“Can I call you Jemmy?”_

_James jumped at Thomas’ voice. He turned and frowned._

_“J-Jemmy?”_

_“Yeah. You know, as a way to shorten James.”_

_“Do-doesn’t that just make it longer? And you- you call Alexander by his full name, why- why?”_

_“He doesn’t really like nicknames. Anyway, Jemmy’s nice.”_

_“I- I guess then.”_

_“You have any thoughts on last night?”_

_“I- I’m sorry I was be-being so weird. It was-”_

_“No problem. I get it must be off putting, going from a dating no-one to dating two people at the same time. There’ll be an adjustment period but-” Thomas shrugged. “That is if you want there to be an adjustment period.”_

_“Um.” James glanced down at his phone._

**_From: John <3_ **

**_It’s impossible to love you, honey_ **

**_From: John <3_ **

**_You’re going to die alone_ **

**_From: John <3_ **

**_Maybe you should just get it over with now. No-one would miss you_ **

_“Who’s texting you?” Thomas asked._

_“My- my ex.”_

_“Oh. Is he still in the picture? I-”_

_“No. He- he’s really not. He’s just- I can’t-”_

_“In my experience, exes have only the worst things to say.”_

_“Yeah.” James mumbled, staring down at his phone. He scrolled to the top and hovered his finger over the delete messages. He pressed down and looked up to Thomas. “Are- are you two free tonight?” Thomas smiled widely._

_“I think we can make time for you.”_

 

James shivered on the couch. The snow didn’t seem to be stopping and it was only made worse by the fact that their heating had somehow broken. Thomas had tried to work it out but he was by no means an electrician.

Alexander and Thomas had been fine, spending most of their day in work. However James had been the one nominated to stay home and wait for the fixers. The fixers that then never arrived.

He took a deep breath in and closed his eyes. He knew this was ridiculous. Ever since his boyfriends had found out about Adams they hadn’t done a thing to even suggest he do something he wasn’t comfortable with.

They hadn’t had sex for two weeks until Thomas had finally got his hands on the police document. He read through it with Alexander and James tried to ignore the pitying glances that were occasionally sent his way. What had shocked James was that they still wanted it, that they read what Adams had done to him and had cast that information aside, only keeping what they needed to make sure James felt safe.

James didn’t know how to feel about it.

On the one hand, it made him feel better but on the other it made him wonder just how bad Adams had got without him noticing. It was like when he started eating outside the relationship. Hercules would give him food and James, despite being half starved, wouldn’t touch it. It had taken months for James to slip into a semi-normal eating schedule and he still had problems with it years later.

“James?” Thomas’ voice rang down the corridor and James fought the instinct to snap to attention. This wasn’t Adams, it was just Thomas.

“In here!”

“Hey there. Why’s it still cold? You must be freezing.”

“They never turned up.”

“Huh.”

“I- I was go-gonna ring them.”

“It’s okay, darlin’.” Thomas put his bag down and sat next to James. “We got blankets and stuff.” Thomas reached out to take James’ hands and frowned. “You’re freezing.”

“S-so-sorry.” James muttered, hunching in on himself. Thomas frowned. He knew well enough that James was beginning to fall into his own memories.

“Stay here, darlin’. I’m gonna go get some blankets.”

“You d-don’t hav-have t-to. It-”

“I want to.”

“O-oh. Ok-okay.”

Thomas returned with the promised blankets and draped them over James before climbing underneath them. James laid his head on Thomas’ breath and tried to match their breathing.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Thomas asked gently. “Alexander won’t be back for a while. We can- you can tell me anything.”

“His- his favourite punishment towards the end was cold.” James muttered. Thomas grunted to show he heard. “He’d- he’d lock me outside and just- just leave me there. He didn’t care that I- I- I get sick. I was so sick at the end. I cou-couldn’t hold down my f-food most of the time even with-without him. Th-then I just- I just-” James took in a deep breath.

“Can I hug you?”

“Ye-yeah.”

“Thanks.” Thomas muttered as he gently wrapped his arms around James. “You might not believe this but you didn’t deserve any of that, nothing. You-” Thomas sighed.

“Wh-when he br-broke my arm the bo-bone came out of the skin.” James wasn’t quite sure why he started to talk over Thomas but when he had started he couldn’t stop. “He just- just threw me into the sh-shed and I- I was handcuffed and then I- I set my arm my-myself. Th-that’s why it still hu-hurts sometimes.”

“I wish I could kill him.” Thomas whispered into James’ hair. James nodded stiffly. He knew the feeling well.

“He- he’s in jail. I got the- the arm reset even-eventually. Just took- took a while.”

“I swear to you James, for as long as I’m in your life that will never happen again. I don’t care what capacity that’s in, if anyone _ever_ treats you like that tell me and I’ll keep you safe.”

“My kni-knight in shi-shining ar-armour.” James smiled and leant up to kiss Thomas. “Y-you helped. Ev-even though you di-didn’t know.”

“I brought you food.” Thomas muttered, half buried memories coming to mind. “Did that help?”

“A- a bit.”

“Well then it’s official. Even if I’m just a stranger handing out food to the sad looking guy I’ll be there for you.”

James kissed Thomas and let his eyes slide closed. At that moment it was so easy to forget what had happened to him, it didn’t feel real. How could he have ever been hurt when Thomas was right there?

And James knew that no matter what, Thomas kept his promises.

“I l-love you too.”


End file.
